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I Believed AA was Fake so I Kept Drinking

By Angela F.

I lived a lie: guest-speaking at AA groups throughout the U.S., starting AA meetings, hosting weekend Big Book workshops, sponsoring women when I wasn't sober myself, and the list goes on.

After seven years of sobriety, I drank again. Those seven years were glorious, happy… the real thing! I had a spiritual experience and was truly free, living by principles and helping others. I had no desire to drink and a solution that solved all my problems! But when I wandered from the solution, when dishonesty, my ego, and resentments rose, the double life started. But I would say DISHONESTY was the killer, leading me straight back to alcohol (ANY kind of alcohol, like disinfecting solution) and drugs I never dreamed I’d try.

I lived a lie: guest-speaking at AA groups throughout the U.S., starting AA meetings, hosting weekend Big Book workshops, sponsoring women when I wasn’t sober myself, and the list goes on.

After several months of incomprehensible demoralization, another DWI, losing friends and losing the “reputation I thought I deserved,” I tried AA again, but still couldn’t get HONEST with anyone, especially MYSELF. I started to believe AA was phony, it was a trick, that my AA friends lied and the Program didn’t work, and that’s why I kept drinking.

Deciding that a long, intensive “religious class” in Florida had the solution for my problem, my new husband and I packed up and moved across country.

Things did not go the way we planned.

The religious program was cancelled, my marriage was crumbling, it rained constantly; no job, another car accident and DWI, people weren’t nice, etc., ANY excuse to drink. I stopped drinking many times but I couldn’t stay sober.

Eight months later, I’m back in California (possibly a different city is the answer?!), sobriety is not a priority, and I’m clueless that my marriage is just about over. Because of DISHONESTY, resentments, NO PROGRAM, no God, and trying to run my own life, I’m drinking and drugging AGAIN. I had loved God more than anything; I had failed everyone: God, my family, and many protégés. All I could think about was MY problems, what lies I needed to cover up other lies, fixing my marriage, and what time the liquor store closed. Problems piled up and many secrets were revealed, such as infidelity, compulsive gambling, horrendous debt; there was emotional and verbal abuse, manipulation, narcissism, abandonment and an UGLY divorce.

Sleeping in cheap motel rooms with my dog Billy, sometimes sleeping in my car to save money, my friends were homeless people. My “life” was packed in my car and I drank every day. I used pills and speed, which prevented me from getting too drunk. Depressed, confused, lost, hopeless. The only way out? Kill myself. How? I’d figure it out.

My dog Billy kept me alive long enough to get back to Texas. He’s all I had, the only thing I got in my divorce and the only reason I got up in the morning. There obviously was a reason Billy was with me and not my ex-husband. I wanted to stay alive ONLY for Billy. Sounds dumb, but he’s all I had.

Next thing I know, I’m driving “home” to Texas, my mother paying motel fees, food, and gas so I’d make it there. I drank and drugged the entire two-day drive with expired registration tags (two years’ expired) and several outstanding tickets, obviously INSANE and sick. In Texas, after five more months of using and lying, I had a nervous breakdown and attempted suicide.
I surrendered.

I had no idea how it was going to work — or IF it would. But if I drank again, I would die. BUT with God, the Steps, and a fabulous solution-based sponsor, I was finally willing and able to be honest (with myself, God and others).

Dishonesty almost killed me. Nothing is more important than honesty. My first sponsor always said, ” I may not always be happy and joyous, but I can always be FREE” — and I like to add, “as long as I’m HONEST”!

I am one month and four days sober today.

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