Am I an Enabler?

Are you concerned that you might be enabling a loved one who has been struggling with substance abuse? If so, this means you care about the person and you don’t want to make recovery any more difficult for them. This is an important place to be in. Now, you can begin to consider whether or not you need to change some of your actions to better help your loved one put an end to their destructive behavior. 

What Is Enabling Behavior?

Enabling behaviors are ones that support an addicted individual’s substance abuse. Often, people who are enabling another’s addiction do not realize they are doing so. Instead, they believe they’re just trying to protect their loved one. In truth, protecting someone from the consequences of their actions can actually make their behavior easier and encourage them to keep abusing drugs and alcohol.

If you’re ready to consider your own behaviors and how they might be contributing to your loved one’s substance abuse, it is important to remember that this is a helpful action. You should never blame someone’s addiction on yourself, but it is necessary to think about how you may—consciously or unconsciously—be supporting their dangerous substance use.

Common Enabling Behaviors and How to Recognize Them

One of the most common behaviors is denial. Denial is typical among addicts as well because they don’t want to admit that they have a problem. There is a strong stigma associated with addiction, and they may constantly downplay the issue, saying things like, “I’m not as bad as someone else” or “It could be worse.” However, if you find yourself saying this about a loved one’s drug use, you are making it easier for them to continue using by downplaying their addiction. 

Let’s take a look at some of the other types of enabling behaviors that can occur. 

Justifying Their Use

You tell yourself the individual has a hard job or a stressful life and needs drugs to take the edge off. You may agree with them that they deserve to use, which is really just a rationalization.

Focusing on Other Things

When you spend time with the individual, you focus on anything except their substance use. If you don’t have to think about it, then you won’t have to talk about it.

Avoiding Them

If you don’t have to see the individual, you won’t have to consider how bad things have gotten in their life.

Protecting Them

This may manifest as picking up the pieces and taking over their responsibilities when they cannot. It may also entail lying to others about the problem so they will not see the individual in a bad light.

Parenting Them

Many people tend to act parentally in a situation of addiction. If you are not the addict’s parent—or if the individual is your adult child—this could be enabling them. Think about why you’re doing it. Is it to feel better than they are? If so, you are protecting yourself and enabling them.

Using With Them

If you have started using drugs or drinking alcohol with the person to protect them from themselves, this is serious enabling. You may have thought, “I can make sure they don’t overdose or use too much.” Yet, this just allos them to continue using in a safe, consequence-free way.

Restricting Them

If you start to control the person—including telling them who they can and cannot see or what they can do—you may be doing it to gain your own sliver of control over the issue. If this is your aim, this is enabling.

Constant Criticizing

No addict responds positively to constant lecturing about their mistakes. In many cases, they will use it as an excuse to ignore your advice because they will say nothing they do is ever good enough for you.

Blaming Others

You may think this is all the fault of a friend of theirs who started using with them or of their boss who keeps them working long hours. But remember, your loved one chose to start using at the beginning, even if they can no longer choose to stop.

Playing the Savior

Your loved one needs money, and you always offer it, no questions asked. They need bailing out of a jam, and you’re the first one they call. If you constantly shield them from problems, they will never have a reason to stop.

Not Following Through

When you give your loved one a consequence based on their refusal to seek help, you must stick with it. Otherwise, they will promise to go into treatment and then never do it.

Tolerating Their Use

Saying things like “If I can just wait a little longer, I’ll ask them to stop,” or “I don’t want to upset them, so I’ll just handle it” is always an example of enabling.

When you start to put the pieces together, you can see how easy it is to become an enabler and how hard it is to avoid these actions all the time. However, once you start to consider how you are acting and what your loved one needs from you, you can really begin to put everything in perspective and avoid this behavior in the future. Then, you may want to consider talking to your loved one or even staging an intervention to try and get them to seek the treatment they need.