Dating an Addict: Do They Actually Care About You?

Two people who are dating embrace each other while on a date

Dating someone who struggles with addiction can be exciting, difficult, and exhausting. How can you tell if someone truly cares about you when their life is ruled by drugs or alcohol? You might wonder where you fit in their heart and mind, and how to navigate the relationship. This article shares some practical advice to keep in mind.

Does Your Partner Have an Addiction?

Sometimes it can be difficult to know for sure if you’re dating someone with an addiction. This is partly because people with substance use disorders tend to deny, hide, and lie about their behavior. In addition, being in love with someone can make it emotionally difficult for you to recognize their faults.

You want to see the best in the person you love, you want to believe the lies they tell, and you are likely so confused by their erratic behavior that you have difficulty trusting your own judgment.

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Can They Actually Care About You?

Being in love with someone facing an addiction can make you feel extremely insecure. Does someone whose life is out of control really have the capacity to care about you the way you need and deserve? What is going on behind their upsetting behavior, and what kind of impact is it having on the relationship?

Extensive scientific studies of addiction have shown that months or years of chronic substance use create physical and chemical changes in the brain that perpetuate drug-seeking behavior.

The addicted brain has been trained to prioritize substance use over everything else in life, even in the face of negative consequences that are a direct result of drug or alcohol use.

Drugs and alcohol tap into the brain’s communication system and manipulate it into creating unnaturally intense states of being, such as euphoria, extreme calm, or high energy that persists without food or sleep. This disruption overstimulates the communication system and causes rapid changes in the brain.

The brain reacts in two crucial ways to drugs and alcohol, thereby creating addiction.

First, the brain is taught to mark substance use as an “important” behavior that should be repeated whenever possible, and prioritized over other activities that could never create such intense states of being.

Second, with repeated use of the substance, the brain begins to adapt to the unnatural events that result from that use. This shuts down receptors in the communication system and reduces the amounts of stimulating and pleasurable chemicals produced in an attempt to restore a more natural state of being.

As a result, the person no longer experiences the same high from drinking or using, and is unable to even feel normal without drugs or alcohol. Their brain function has been altered, causing a state of low mood and energy that reinforces the drug-seeking behavior their brain has already been trained to encourage.

In addition to being trained to seek out addictive substances, the person’s cognitive function is also impaired by chronic use. They cannot think, remember, or learn as well as they once did, and their impulse control, decision-making, and ability to think logically have been damaged. They act in ways that don’t reflect their former selves, and they hurt the people they love.

Issues You May Encounter When Dating Someone With Addiction

If you’re dating someone who struggles with addiction, you may run into several issues. Keep these in mind as you navigate your relationship.

1. Trust Issues

Someone in an active addiction is controlled by their compulsion to use drugs or alcohol. They might be seeking their next high, under the influence of a substance, or recovering from drinking or using.

This means that their judgment is impaired, and they aren’t in full control of their own behavior. They may become very good at lying, both to other people and to themselves. They are good at making excuses, hiding behavior, and making up stories, anything to protect their ability to keep drinking or using.

Their emotional responses, their actions, and even their personalities are highly changeable, dependent upon their addiction and their chronic use of substances.

2. Financial Concerns

Dating someone in addiction can take a huge toll on your finances. Even if you refuse their requests for money, they could take money from you, or put you in dangerous situations where you could be associated with a crime or responsible for financial costs that aren’t your fault.

Their behavior under the influence could also lead to expensive property damage, get you in trouble at your workplace, or lead to other problems. Their financial instability can become yours due to their out-of-control behavior.

3. Bad Habits

When you are dating someone with an addiction, it can be easy to start using drugs or drinking regularly.

They might encourage you to join in, or you may want to do it to feel closer to them. You also might find yourself turning to substances as a way of coping with an emotionally difficult relationship. This outcome can occur even if you don’t have a strong addictive tendency to begin with.

4. Instability

Being in love with an addicted person puts you in a constant state of uncertainty. You might feel like they’re unpredictable in almost every way except for their chronic substance use.

This instability often leads people to unhealthy behaviors that create a false sense of security. You might make up excuses to get them out of trouble or repair damaged relationships. You clean them up and take care of them when their substance use has made them sick. You pick up the slack by taking care of the responsibilities they neglect.

This kind of codependent behavior can make you feel like you’re helping when you’re actually hurting the addict. Any actions that make it easier for someone to deny their problems, delay getting help, and continue to use or drink are destructive, even if they are done out of love. Codependency drains your energy and taxes your emotions.

5. Resentment

Dating someone with an addiction is like dating someone who is married. You may feel like they’re never be able to be fully present for you, or fully intimate with you. You may resent the fact that you can’t count on them to be there when you need them, or that they tend to choose the addictive substance over you.

6. Distraction

Even if the person you’re in love with is in recovery, dating them may still be difficult. Individuals in early recovery often turn to replacement addictions, such as obsessive romantic attachments, in an attempt to fill the void left by drugs or alcohol.

This can result in an intensely passionate relationship that easily swings from euphoric to hostile. Most clinicians advise newly sober people to avoid dating in their first year of sobriety.

Not only can it be a distraction from the important spiritual work a person must pursue in addiction recovery, but a relationship created during the emotional instability of early recovery is likely to be volatile and short-lived, and the negative drama of the relationship could trigger a relapse.

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How to Help the Person You Love

When you are dating someone with an addiction, you naturally want to help them. While codependent actions like lending them money or covering up for their drunken mistakes are destructive, there are healthy ways to genuinely help.

Research treatment options: Even if they want to get help, they may not be motivated enough to investigate the options available to them, or clear-headed enough to do the research. Sometimes being presented with a list of nearby facilities that accept your loved one’s insurance plan or charge on a sliding scale can make a complicated, intimidating process into something simple and easy.
Plan an intervention. If your loved one is not ready to get help, you can attempt to make them recognize and accept their addiction by planning an intervention with a small group of people they love.
Support them through treatment. If you have been in a long-term relationship with someone who’s addicted, you may want to preserve that relationship during recovery, but even if you choose to break up, you can still support them as a friend.