I just kept telling myself almost there, almost there.
The day I arrived at detox all I wanted to do was sleep. That morning when I sat on the floor and prayed that my addictions would drown and not me; sticks with me on every bad day and every good day. To pick up that phone and make that call to the detox center was so hard, my hands felt like bricks.
I remember clear as day driving to my mother’s house, hoping my boyfriend would not come home early and stop me or find me. As my mother drove me to detox, while I was high on a cocaine, she talked on the phone to God knows who. I remember a man riding his bike in the middle of the road, and I thought to myself, is she going to hit him? I should be driving, this woman is out of control. All the while it was me out of control, for the last 5 years, on a downward spiral of drug abuse and depression.
As I walked into detox I clearly believed that this was not for me, but I was so exhausted and still flying high and I needed a safe place to rest my head. I pushed through the process of admittance clearly by force of narcotics that had been consumed 20 mins previous to arriving. I just kept telling myself almost there, almost there.
Next thing I knew it was three days later. To this day have no clue what day I checked in on or what day I woke up, but my God I felt rested. Sick, but rested. My counselors were great, I was still unable to eat, still sleepy and they allowed me to eat what I could and sleep when I needed it. On day 4, in order to stay in treatment, I had to attend AA, NA, or CA. In my week or so of being there, I participated in all the meetings. Realizing after the first one, there was no more hiding the secret I have been hiding all my life.
That one desperate moment, that one difficult call and a car ride I didn’t think I would survive, set me on a path to greater things. I will not say I got it right from the start, there was a rehab stint after my detox stay, which was arranged so kindly by the support staff at the detox center. Additionally, I had many counselor appts. Realizing that the only way to get through it all is to talk, has been a struggle.
As I sit here, 4 years and 5 months clean, I still struggle. Not with my addiction per say but with bipolar disorder 1. Took me being sober for this long to realize it is not me, it is not the drugs, it is my brain. Clearly the drugs were used to keep these manic episodes at bay…the moral being, if we don’t pick up the phone, if we don’t take a break or ask for help the cycle will only continue. Aren’t you sick of being sick? I know I was.